Wedding reading
On marriage, from The Devil's Dictionary — five definitions
Ambrose Bierce
“On marriage, from The Devil's Dictionary — five definitions” by Ambrose Bierce is a prose reading read at a wedding ceremony. It takes about a minute and a half read aloud, usually by the officiant. It is in the public domain, so the full text is printed on this page and goes straight into a ceremony script.
The full text
BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient. MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
Public domain, so these words can be printed in a ceremony script or an order of service.
Where it comes from
Bierce’s own preface says The Devil’s Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881 and continued until 1906, when much of it was published as The Cynic’s Word Book, a title he disliked.
What it says
Five definitions, each a small act of sabotage. A bride is a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. A husband is the one who, having eaten, is left with the dishes. Love is a temporary insanity, cured by marriage or by removing the patient from its influence, and more often fatal to the doctor than to the patient. Marriage is a community of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all two. A wedding is a ceremony at which two people undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become bearable. It is cynicism as an art form, and couples who choose it are telling the room that they know the jokes and are marrying anyway.
This one bites — mordant, not gently teasing, and only for a couple with a dry, self-aware sense of humour. Read all five before you offer it: the entry on marriage makes an 1881 joke about masters and slaves. Read at a wedding ceremony. Themes: the devil's dictionary · a temporary insanity curable by marriage · cynical definitions · mordant rather than teasing · a couple who cannot stand sentiment · dry and biting · short.
Who it suits
Couples with a dry, self-aware sense of humor who cannot stand sentiment, and a crowd that will take the joke. It suits a relaxed civil ceremony or a reception toast more than a formal or religious service. The marriage entry makes a joke about masters and slaves that some guests will find uncomfortable; read all five aloud with the couple before agreeing to it, and consider dropping that one.
Where it goes in the ceremony
Often best read by the officiant, as a light moment in the address, followed straight away by a sincere line of their own. It can also be read by a friend as the first of two readings, with something warm after it. Do not end the ceremony on it.
Reading it aloud
The text on this page is 140 words. At a ceremony pace of about 130 words a minute, which is slower than conversation, that comes to about a minute and a half of reading.
- Read each headword, pause, then deliver the definition flatly, as if from a real dictionary. The deadpan makes the joke.
- Leave a beat after each definition for the room to laugh before moving on.
- The love entry is long. Keep it brisk and dry, and land the last phrase about the physician cleanly.
- Close with a sincere sentence of your own so the room knows the cynicism was affectionate.
Questions about reading it aloud
How long does “On marriage, from The Devil's Dictionary — five definitions” take to read aloud?
“On marriage, from The Devil's Dictionary — five definitions” takes about a minute and a half read aloud at a ceremony pace, which is slower than conversation — roughly 130 words a minute. That is the figure the run-sheet uses when it works out the timing for the whole service.
Who usually reads “On marriage, from The Devil's Dictionary — five definitions”?
Usually the officiant rather than a guest reader. “On marriage, from The Devil's Dictionary — five definitions” runs about a minute and a half, which sits inside the part of the service the officiant is already leading, and keeping it there means it is carried by the person who has rehearsed it.
Can “On marriage, from The Devil's Dictionary — five definitions” be printed in a ceremony script?
Yes. It is in the public domain, so the full text is on this page and can be printed in a script or an order of service.
Where this text was checked
Checked word for word against a full-text edition that is itself the authority — a Project Gutenberg or Wikisource transcription, a publisher’s own edition, or the issuing body’s page.
Checked
A reading is two minutes of the hour.
The rest is the welcome, the vows, the ring exchange, the pronouncement — and the timing that holds them together. Answer some questions about the couple and get the whole ceremony, written out, with this reading in its place.
Other readings that suit the same service
- from The Importance of Being Earnest, Act Itwo minutesMore Victorian wit about proposals and marriage
- Sonnet 130a minute and a halfA gentler joke at the expense of love poems
- from Les Misérables — the supreme happiness15 secondsA sincere one-line answer to follow the cynicism
- from a letter to Fanny Brawne, 13 October 181925 secondsJohn Keats
- Love Is Friendship Caught Fire40 secondsAttributed to Ann Landers
- He’s Not Perfect45 secondsAuthor unknown — widely misattributed to Bob Marley